So I guess I’m guilty, yes, go ahead and call me Lionel Richie! yes, I’m the Lionel Richie of the culinary world, -why? – ’cause “I’m easy like Sunday morning”, specially when it comes to having a weak pair of knees for newly revamped, relabeled and re-marketed junk food placed strategically in the supermarket aisles so that I can fall for it. And please be advised (to all of you in the R&D dept.) I fall hard for crap like this, but not just a mere fall, I’m talking; Lady Gaga walking through the airport terminal kind of fall.

Alright, you should be asking yourself right now; what is the connection between Lionel Richie, Lady Gaga and a big ass picture of Kraft mayonnaise? – well not much really, it is just a comparative narrative I learned when I ordered one of those “learn at home and get a crappy diploma” course that can be found in the last pages of the National Enquire. Nevertheless I’m here to deliver a verdict, and that my friends is what I intend to do so watch read closely.

Ok, so this is the classic example of a marriage that should have worked but didn’t. We have on one side Mr. “handsome” Mayo, he’s quite gentle and smooth at the same time, we have Mrs. Olive Oil, quite international herself, she’s adored and adulated by hundreds of countries and millions of people out there for her delicious flavor and healthy qualities, the kind of girl mom would have liked you to marry from the get-go. A “Marriage made in heaven” as most supermarket patrons would claim. but not so fast, you salad bar cowboy, yes you! the one that falls for the label, that says “Kraft”, and you say; sure! why not? it should be good, after all; how can you go wrong with Mayo and Olive Oil?. Well, the following is exactly the main reason why I’m writing this painful and yet revealing article who will remain in an absolute state of oblivion behind the last row of the food blogosphere.

This troubled marriage has a distressed liaison, or maybe a fifth wheel, or whatever you may want to call it. I tend to call it the: “her mother moved with us” syndrome, and in this case the mother in law happens to be sugar!, sugar for Christ’s sakes!, how in hell can you put so much sugar into this Mayo / Olive oil blend?, this crap tastes like the vile and evil Miracle Whip! (notice the grammatical inverted similitude, Vile/Evil?),  Coño this is nasty!

In a nutshell:

Would I buy it again? -Fuck no

Would I feed this to a rabid hamster? – maybe

Possible alternate solutions: grab a pile of mayonaisse and mix it with olive oil and that’s it! stop being so fucking lazy!

Cheers!

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Mauricio Jimenez

Walking through the aisles of my local supemarket I get to find this; a bread baking mix made by Hodgson Mill, and what really gets my attention is the fact that the label states (quite gutsy in a way) that it contains not only herbs but also the almighty and never dissapointing cheese, so I said: why not? let’s give it a try! although I’m not your typical ready mix kind of guy (usually go for King Arthur’s Flour bread flour) I decided to give this puppy a test drive, so here’s my process and ultimate results.

According to the box instructions it is simple to make, although it seems more or less like the company wants you to use this mix with a bread machine, something I don’t have to start with, so from here on it’s old school and that’s it! Knead by hand? -you crazy? crank up that old Cuisinart! I’m in no mood to sweat right now. So I just follow directions to build this puppy up by hand just like your ancestors did in the 1800’s but instead I push the fast forward button all the way to the 1970’s technology! (by the way; I’m pretty much sure my food processor is from 1979…Shhh don’t tell the Williams-Sonoma police!), anyways, so I do the mix just like the box says jadadadadada….

Now I’m drinking my 5pm espresso with no sugar while contemplating the magical powers of yeast acting up, my oven is not that well calibrated so…. box says 350? that means 400 for me, box says use a square bread pan? heck no! I’ll smack it on top of my pizza stone. Now I just have to sit around and wait 35 minutes to see if this thin actually is real bread, we’ll see…

Holy crap! this thing is actually bread! -smells like it, feels like it, but how does it taste? hmmmmmmmmmmmm let’s cut a slice!

-Not bad! not the best bread i’ve ever tasted but i can tell you this: better this than Wonder Bread!

– Add a dab of butter and I’m getting the hang of it. One thing’s for sure about this bread; Croutons made with this bread have to be pretty awesome. Now that I remember… the box called this contraption a “Cheese & Herb” bread, so where the fuck is the cheese here?

I know where it is! in my fridge! Swiss that is because if you get to find the cheese in this mix give me a holler ’cause I couldn’t find it. So, in a nutshell:

would I buy it again?  -probably no

Is it bad? – Not bad

Cheese? -fuck no!

Good for Croutons? – probably killer ones

Good for pizza? – Box says so, not me.

Good for sanwiches? – Actually the sanwiches came out pretty awesome with this bread.

So go ahead guys give it a try and let me know how it goes. Bye!

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This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.