March 16, 2011
So I guess I’m guilty, yes, go ahead and call me Lionel Richie! yes, I’m the Lionel Richie of the culinary world, -why? – ’cause “I’m easy like Sunday morning”, specially when it comes to having a weak pair of knees for newly revamped, relabeled and re-marketed junk food placed strategically in the supermarket aisles so that I can fall for it. And please be advised (to all of you in the R&D dept.) I fall hard for crap like this, but not just a mere fall, I’m talking; Lady Gaga walking through the airport terminal kind of fall.
Alright, you should be asking yourself right now; what is the connection between Lionel Richie, Lady Gaga and a big ass picture of Kraft mayonnaise? – well not much really, it is just a comparative narrative I learned when I ordered one of those “learn at home and get a crappy diploma” course that can be found in the last pages of the National Enquire. Nevertheless I’m here to deliver a verdict, and that my friends is what I intend to do so
watch read closely.
Ok, so this is the classic example of a marriage that should have worked but didn’t. We have on one side Mr. “handsome” Mayo, he’s quite gentle and smooth at the same time, we have Mrs. Olive Oil, quite international herself, she’s adored and adulated by hundreds of countries and millions of people out there for her delicious flavor and healthy qualities, the kind of girl mom would have liked you to marry from the get-go. A “Marriage made in heaven” as most supermarket patrons would claim. but not so fast, you salad bar cowboy, yes you! the one that falls for the label, that says “Kraft”, and you say; sure! why not? it should be good, after all; how can you go wrong with Mayo and Olive Oil?. Well, the following is exactly the main reason why I’m writing this painful and yet revealing article who will remain in an absolute state of oblivion behind the last row of the food blogosphere.
This troubled marriage has a distressed liaison, or maybe a fifth wheel, or whatever you may want to call it. I tend to call it the: “her mother moved with us” syndrome, and in this case the mother in law happens to be sugar!, sugar for Christ’s sakes!, how in hell can you put so much sugar into this Mayo / Olive oil blend?, this crap tastes like the vile and evil Miracle Whip! (notice the grammatical inverted similitude, Vile/Evil?), Coño this is nasty!
In a nutshell:
Would I buy it again? -Fuck no
Would I feed this to a rabid hamster? – maybe
Possible alternate solutions: grab a pile of mayonaisse and mix it with olive oil and that’s it! stop being so fucking lazy!
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